I Feel So Unnecessary

My husband had a doctor appointment yesterday; and while in the exam room waiting the husband was looking over the wall of brochures and advertisements for ridiculously high priced medications. As he was perusing them he asked me : " Zetia, isn't that some kind of pasta dish?" " Uh no. I believe that would be ziti." " Tell me what you like to eati. I myself prefer some ziti." " Good grief."

Sometimes different family members have doctor appointments on the same day. I take one and another family members takes the other. My Dad has a solution for this: " We need us a mini-van for when people have appointments on the same day. That way we could all go together. We could put a sign on the side of it that says 'Gimpies R Us- You Call and I'll Haul'. " Me: " Good grief."

Dad went to the doctor a few days ago. As usual the conversation was um, interesting. Something's been causing him to overheat and then have panic attacks. He's been poked, prodded, and scanned and nothing's been found. I have my own theory: "Something's making you overheat. Maybe you're going through menopause.", I said. " Maybe. I might have to get a himarectomy.", Dad said. "Yeah, Dad. You do that." Then talk veered to what children watch these days: " All kids wanna watch these days is some goop about people wearing magic rings and flying around in the sky.", he said. " Huh? I have no idea what you're talking about.", I exclaimed. " Kids need to watch Yodi and Dark Tater. When they get to fighting you can see the fire flying from their life savers." " Uh, Dad. They're light sabers, not life savers." " Yeah, them life savers really do the trick."  " Okaaaa...

Philosophical discussions for today: At the doctor's office- Me: There goes a time waster. Dad: What? Me: Drug rep. Dad: He's got a bandage on his arm, reckon it's tennis elbow? Scott: Yeah. Dad: He's walking funny. Me: That's where they sucked the soul out his a**. And... Scott: Ooh that sign says they do microdermabrasion. Dad: Is that where they put something on your face or under your arms and rub it? Scott: Yeah, they do. They put something on your skin to peel the upper layer off and it makes you shiny and bootiful. Dad: Shoot, get a rough rag and some lye soap. It does the same thing, call it lyesoapbrasion. It's got grit from the ashes, some pig lard. That works.

Before getting a shot my Dad asked the nurse whether he could have candy. "Yes", she said, "and some stickers." "Oh boy!", he exclaimed, "I can take the stickers to my granddaughter." Uh huh. After she had left and he had his reward, I said, " Oh.my.gosh. What are you, three? Wanting candy and stickers for a shot? Hey, can I have one of those Spiderman stickers?"

So today we took my grandfather to the doctor and when we were done he wanted to go eat- at a buffet of course. And even though I was tempted I did not fill up my plate with carbs as usual. Instead of two different kinds of potatoes I only got one. WOO HOO! Yay me! I also refrained from putting salt on my food. All in all I've been following my NP's orders pretty well. I've only slipped up once...no twice...wait maybe three times. I haven't lost any weight yet but it hasn't been long since she restricted me from having any fun. But I might *gulp* have to start exercising. Ick.

Today I had my three month check-up. Whoopee! My nurse practitioner was discussing my blood work and vitals with me and this is how it went: NP: "Your blood pressure was good this time." Me: I've cut back on the salt. NP: "Well, it's working, so just keep doing it. Your blood sugar was fine but you know with your poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and your family history it does make your more susceptible to diabetes so we have to keep a close eye on your blood sugar. Do you drink a lot of soft drinks with sugar?" (This is where I try to come up with a believable lie) Me: Well... NP: "Fess up, do you drink three a day?" Sometimes. NP: They're what 150 calories each?" I guess so. (Sure they would be if I drank cans...but I don't...) NP: "Ok, three at 150 calories each in a day, that's about 600 calories...that's about a whole meal at once. If you were to cut those out or replace them with water (ick) or sugar-free drink...

At the doctor visit I had before my latest one, the nurse had me to list a goal to improve my lifestyle. Ha Ha Ha... ANYWAY, I told her I would try to get more exercise. Yeah, that hasn't happened yet. However, I have cut back on the pops (that's the equivalent of  northerners' sodas- knowledgeable ain't I ?). I've also cut back on the junk food and candy and started to eat more, yuck- vegetables. And the thing I'm most proud of is I've been remembering to take my multivitamin and medicine every day. Okaay, almost every day. I think my efforts are starting to pay off- I have a half of fraction of a centimeter more room in my jeans now. Go me!

 I had my doctor's appointment a few days ago. Scott stayed in the waiting room, when I came out he asked: Scott: How did the doctor visit go? Me: Did ya hear me screaming? Scott: No.   Me: Then it went ok.    

Mom and my grandparents have a new doctor-they like her but I said she didn't dress like a doctor, Cille agreed she did not. Mom, however, said- "I like the way she dresses, I think she looks hip." I'm thinking she doesn't need to make a statement like that again, it don't sound hip.

As I was getting ready to leave with my grandmother for her doctor visit my grandfather asked if I was going to take him to the store when I got back. I told him yes and my grandmother retorted back with- "Well, I ain't gonna rush myself." Everything was fine, her doctor was new and Cille seemed to like her- she did take her off some of her medicine and told us that sometimes older people are put on too many pills. This pleased my grandmother and Mom. I could be mistaken but I tend to think people are overmedicated.  After the appointment I told Cille this- Me: The doctor asked how we're related. She said me, you, and Mom looked similar. Cille: Did you tell her how we're connected? Me: Yes. Cille: Well, I thought I was the best looking.

At my check-up the nurse practitioner asked if the neurontin I take helps. I told her yes, it helps my leg. Scott thinks it also helps my mood, but I happen to think my mood is PRETTY FREAKIN' PEACHY anyway. The nurse also went over a self care checklist with me: "Do you smoke?" No "Do you eat at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables every day?" No "Do you exercise at least 30 minutes every day?" No (See a theme here?) "Do you sleep at least 7 hours at night?" No  "How much alcohol do you drink?" Not enough Nurse: "Ok, you have to have at least one goal to on this list to improve your self care. Which one do you want to work on?" Me: "Oh geez, I guess I'll try to exercise more. Maybe."  I know I need to take better care of myself, I'm a chubby little monkey and my eating habits aren't so great. But COME ON exercising is about as exciting as watching paint dry and Chips Ahoy takes waaay better th...

My dad got his blood drawn recently. After he had it done he came stumbling out of the lab saying: "Hold me up sis, they took so much I'm too weak to walk." (As he dramatically collapsed against the wall). "Did you hear me screaming in there?" Me- "Yes, Dad everyone did." Dad- "You're gonna have to help me, I don't think I can make it." Me- "Well, you must not be too weak, you're still flapping your jaws." Then later after my mother's doctor appointment we ate at a Chinese restaurant. For some reason she tried to take the lid off the soy sauce- Me- "Uh, what are you doing?" Mom- "Trying to get this to pour out." Me- "You don't take the lid off soy sauce." Mom- "Whoops, I wasn't paying attention." She then proceeded to pound the lid back on, cracking it in the process and knocking condiments off the table. I think the bottle must have offended her in some way. I ...

Today we took my grandmother to her family doctor. She had been having trouble seeing all day so while we were waiting for the doctor to come in my mom starting asking her questions to see if her eyesight was doing better. Here's how it went: Mom: "What's the color of the wall?" Cille: "I don't know, I reckon it's yellow." Mom: "That's right. Now what's some of the colors in that picture over there?" Cille: "Blue." Me: "What color is mom?" Cille: "Green."