I Feel So Unnecessary

It starts with losing interest in activities I once enjoyed. Then the crying at inconvenient moments comes on. That's fun. Then the irrability kicks in. That's fun too. It affects my work and my life. Stress and depression. One leads to the other. Makes life, um, interesting. I've struggled with it for a long time. I quit living because of it. Quit school. Quit work. I didn't like doing it but in my opinion if you can't handle something and it starts to affect the people around you- it's time to step back and get some help. ( Sorry for the run-on sentence, I'm bad for that.) Annnnyway... I do have a point. For the two people who know and have read my book I've been a caregiver for a long time. Since my 20s. Parents, Grandparents, The Husband- yes, that's his name. It's an honor and a privilege. I like doing it, I'm glad I can. I've learned a lot, grown in many ways. It can also be a bitch. Sorry. But it can. The hospitalizations, t...

Genre: Non-fiction/Caregiving 41 pages Published on amazon January 8, 2015 Synopsis: A short book on my caregiving experiences with my sassy grandmother. It contains funny things she said, rants, and my thoughts on caregiving. I've also included some caregiving resources at the end. You can buy it for $2.99 here If you do purchase it, please leave a review. I appreciate it. Lisa

In. Out. In. Out- goes the rise and fall of my husband's chest. Ever since his heart attack in February I've watching him breathe when he goes to sleep. Okay. Watching him breathe more. He's had health problems for a while and for several years I've watched him as he sleeps. He sometimes wakes up and sees me staring at him. I'm sure it's not disconcerting whatsoever for him. This was also a habit I had with my grandparents. Especially my grandmother. But her heart would actually stop for a few seconds before she got her pacemaker.   Fun times for everyone. I  also usually ask the husband several times during the day if he's ok or if his chest is hurting. I have slacked off, though, instead of asking 20 times a day I now ask 15 times a day. I'm sure that doesn't bug him at all. It's just various family members have had several major health problems recently. Heart attack, three surgeries within six months for my mother, my grandfa...

They're laughing at me, I can hear the little buggers. Yes, it's dead cow germs from the raw hamburger that's been left on the counter.  I can see them multiplying as I stand in the kitchen wondering where to begin. " What are you doing?", my husband asks. " Having a nervous breakdown. I'll be ok in a few minutes." My grandfather has cooked again. He's still able and likes to cook for himself at times and I think that's a very good thing. If only he believed in hand washing and not leaving moo cow juice on the counters.  I've tried to talk to him about  the merits of cleanliness, but for now it's hit and miss. So, I fight my genetic inclination to nag and go  tackle cleaning up e-coli and friends.  I can hear them mocking me, but I shall prevail

A couple of days ago my grandfather had a doctor's appointment. The receptionist said he needed to fill out some new forms-more to add to the "few" he's already got. "He's usually has me sign for him", I said. Do you have power of attorney for him?", she asked. "No, but I've been siging forms for him for about five years now." "Well...the company states that if you don't have power of attorney the patient needs to sign them himself.Can he make a mark or something to show it's him?" "He prefers me to sign them." I decided to quit arguing like a five year old and took the papers. I don't know why I was being difficult (I'm not usually, sometimes-but not always) because she was just doing her job.  A few minutes later I took them back up there and she asked if he signed them OK. I just handed them to her and smiled. I signed them, with him sitting beside me and me explaining the papers to him-j...

Paperback or E-book format Publisher: caregiving.com (March 5, 2013) First Edition 46 pages * I received a complimentary copy from caregiving.com for being a contributor. Synopsis: Love, the  fifth book in the CareGifters Book Series , features the poems, essays and artwork of family caregivers who turn love into a coping strategy. These family caregivers write of their love, remembering how they fell in love years before caregiving arrived and reflecting on how they stay in love long after caregiving stays. The book features love from all perspectives—between siblings, parents and children, spouses. A granddaughter becomes the memory keeper for a grandmother she loves dearly. A grandmother finds a hero in a little boy who she treasures. Proceeds from the book go to fund the CareGifters Program, which provides a grant of $500 to help a family caregiver in need. My Review:   A book of essays and poems by caregivers writing about their loved ones. A lov...

Another phone conversation with my grandmother. She called me last night and of course it involved yelling at my grandfather. Cille: I can't hear you. (to grandfather)- turn that tv down. Grandfather: What? Cille: I can't hear you, Lisa. Turn the thing down. I think he turned it up instead of down. I don't think he knows what he's doing.

Today at my grandparents' my mother asked if my grandmother wanted to go out. I asked my grandmother if how she felt and she responded with: "I don't feel too good, I'm not sick. I think it's just where I haven't been out in a while. Me (to mom): "I think we've got our answer." As we were leaving, my grandfather asked- "Are you going to get my tea for me, Lisa?"   Cille: (looking at his face) "Are you going to get somebody to help you shave cause it looks like you need it."

Why do men think they need to give women pointers when cleaning?  Any man relative:"Well, if it was me, I'd do it this way." Or- "You need to do it that way." Well, whoopy doo, why don't you do it then? My grandfather used to come in the kitchen when I was trying to do something and give me advice. My grandmother had to tell him: "Get in her, sit down and leave her alone. She knows what she's doing. I reckon." Women came out of the womb knowing how to clean. The men just need to stay out of our way and everything will be fine.

Today my family went to my niece's 2nd birthday party. All my grandparents were there, my grandfather went, which was a surprise because he doesn't like to leave home. One of my brother's in-laws had never met him. He introduced himself to her and pointed at my grandmother and said, "Over there's my woman." To which my grandmother replied: "Well, where's your wife?" A little while later both my grandmothers were having a conversation. My other grandmother told Cille she remembered her when she was young and thought she was a beautiful woman to which Cille replied: "What's the matter with me now?"

QUDQWFYSJF33 Nurse (to my grandfather): "You're so sweet and nice, I could take you home with me." Cille: "Take him."

Mom: "Do you need to go to the bathroom while I'm up here?" Cille: "Well no, I reckon I know how to go to the bathroom."