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Showing posts from October, 2011

No Candy For Me

Mother comes to our door a minute ago with a bunch of kids, she asks her adolescent daughter if she wants candy.Leaning against our bannister, she replies "No" coolly. I ask her if she likes tootsie rolls, she replies "YEAH!" and takes the bag from me. I know how she feels-tootsie rolls revert me back to a little kid, too.

Put A Little Milk of Magnesia On It

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"Lisa," my grandfather said to me when I got to his house, "I need you to get me some Pepto Bismol, the white kind."
"Pepto bismol is pink," I said.
"No it's white, they have it at the Dollar Store."
"You mean milk of magnesia?"
"Is it white and it works ye?," he said.
"Yes."
"Well, get me some, I want it for bumps. I put some on a bump before and it took it off."
"Okaaay."

Yes, my grandfather is the Appalachian version of the dad from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", but instead of using Windex to cure everything he uses Milk of Magnesia. Constipated? milk of magnesia. Got bumps? Put a little milk of magnesia on 'em. Fever blister? milk of magnesia. Warts? milk of magnesia.

That's right- Milk of Magnesia: It loosens your bowels and cures your acne!

Thoughtful Thursday

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Happy Halloweenie

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"Look at what I drew on the treat bags," I said to the husband. "It's folk art."
"It looks like a dick with two eyes.", he said.
I exclaimed, "It does not! They're ghosts."
"Yeah, okaaay... Happy Halloweenie!", he said.

Great, now the trick-or-treaters' parents are going to think I'm some kind of perv. They're not going to let their kids come to the house anymore. I can hear them now, "Don't go to that house on the left, that's the lady who draws the penis eyes."


Happy Halloweenie everyone!!!

You're Getting Old, Too

Me- How old am I gonna be on my birthday?
Cille- I don't know. 36?
Me- No.
Cille- 37?
Me- Yep.
Cille- You're getting old too, then.

Cille And The Craft Fair

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We took Cille to a craft fair yesterday. She hadn't been to one in a long time and always enjoyed going. At first she said she didn't want me to have to push her around but I told her I didn't mind and when she saw a booth she wanted to look at to let me know. It didn't take her long to get into it and we ended up going to nearly every booth. At one booth she saw a bracelet she liked, she said "Now who can I get this for? Oh, I know it's my birthstone so I'll get it for myself." At another booth she saw a painting she liked and when told the price said, "I don't have enough money with me to get it." "Yes, you do.", I said. "Lisssa", she said under her breath, "NO, I don't." I forgot to play a long with her. Whoops. She also didn't mind telling the merchants her opinion. She saw an ink pen for $35 and proclaimed, "Ooh, that's too stiff."

As we were leaving I asked if she had fun and she s…

Dad On Winning The Lottery

"Hey Lisa, you remember that ride at Silver Dollar City that looked like a big ol' rock and you went inside it and it was like a cave?"
Me- "Kinda."
"Well, when I win the lottery I'm gonna build a house and it's gonna be like that, a big ol ' rock cave and what was the name of that place where the Flintstones lived?"
Scott- "Bedrock."
Dad- "Well, mine's going to be named Dirt Clot."

And... on my chicken philly steak I was in the middle of eating- "That looks like something the cat threw up."
Me- "Thanks, Dad."

More Cille-isms

(To my grandfather) Will you hurry up and get on to the store with Lisa? Sh*t fire, I want to get out of here.
Later on-
Mom- You were asking earlier where so and so wanted to be buried. Where do you want to be buried?
Cille- I don't give a sh*t.

World Arthritis Day

Did you know there's over 100 forms of arthritis. Several members of my family have suffered or are suffering from arthritis, including my mother. Here's the link to the different types- http://www.arthritis.org/types-arthritis.php. We know Mom has severe osteoarthritis but different doctors think she may have rheumatoid arthritis as well. I just wish she could find some relief.

Today is World Arthritis Day, there's a button on my blog that takes you to the website. I urge you to visit the site and show your support for this disrupting disease.

Fashion Consult

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Scott: "A quick fashion consult before I go out, how nasty does my hair look?"
After silence and what I'm sure was a horrified look from me-he said, "Guess that answers that question."  I'm sure sure I'm the right person to be consulting on fashion or the state of their hair, etc. because right now I'm wearing an orange UT shirt with red pj bottoms that are decorated with multicolored polka dots and my uncombed hair resembles Billy Idol's circa 1984. Tres cute.

Uh, It's Round

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I went into Home Depot today to get dear husband's other birthday present... a drill polishing kit. Now, he described it for me but I still don't know much about tools except what a hammer and a screwdriver are. One's to mash my thumb with and the other is a drink. Well, I couldn't find it so I asked an associate for help. When we got to the drill section, he said- "You wanted a polishing kit, right?" Yes. "Is it for a Remmel?" (which I later found out was a Dremmel not a Remmel, oops) Me- "Uh, it's round and it's for a drill."

The nice associate enlisted the help of another nice associate and we found the kit. He then went on a spiel about grinders or sanders or whatever and I did what I always do when men start talking about tools, I started hearing the Charlie Brown voice in my head. "Wah, wah, wah, wah. " I then thanked them and left. Now I like going into places like Home Depot and Lowe's- not for the tools, mind …

How'd You Know?

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Scott and I exchanged birthday gifts tonight even though it's still a few weeks until our birthdays (and haha Mom, I'm not a kid anymore so I don't have to wait till my birthday now.) He kept them in the store bag, tied it up in a bow and handed it to me. "Happy Birthday!", he said and when I took them out I exclaimed, "Just what I wanted, however did you know?"

Could it have been that I pointed out exactly what I wanted at Books-a- Million and said, "I want that." That might have had something to do with it.

Losing Half A Fraction Of A Centimeter

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At the doctor visit I had before my latest one, the nurse had me to list a goal to improve my lifestyle. Ha Ha Ha... ANYWAY, I told her I would try to get more exercise. Yeah, that hasn't happened yet.

However, I have cut back on the pops (that's the equivalent of  northerners' sodas- knowledgeable ain't I ?). I've also cut back on the junk food and candy and started to eat more, yuck- vegetables. And the thing I'm most proud of is I've been remembering to take my multivitamin and medicine every day. Okaay, almost every day. I think my efforts are starting to pay off- I have a half of fraction of a centimeter more room in my jeans now. Go me!

I Didn't Scream

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I had my doctor's appointment a few days ago. Scott stayed in the waiting room, when I came out he asked:Scott: How did the doctor visit go?
Me: Did ya hear me screaming?
Scott: No.
Me: Then it went ok.

Too Many Cooks

Cille had her six month check-up at the Heart Center on Friday. Her blood pressure was a little high and the nurse practitioner wanted to up her blood pressure medicine. But recently her blood pressure meds were reduced because it was too low. I told the NP that and she said, " I don't want this to be the case of too many cooks in the fire, one and then the other switching her medicine back and forth." Of course I had to pop off with, "We don't want that either." So, the NP said she would let her family doctor adjust Cille's meds accordingly.


THANK YOU, Nurse Practitioner lady for doing that because she's had doctors in the past that would switch her meds back and forth. It just added confusion for me and my mom and believe me we stay confused enough as it is. So we appreciate your restraint.

I Want Roast Beef

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Mom and I had this little exchange in the Burger King drive- thru tonight:

Mom: I want a roast beef sandwich.
Me: They don't have roast beef.
Employee: May I take your order?
(I give her everyone else's order)
Mom: I want a roast beef.
Me: They don't have roast beef sandwiches.
Mom: What kind do they have?
Me: They got whoppers, whopper jrs., bacon whoppers, chicken, more chicken, and fish. (This is where I start to feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump)
Mom (to the speaker): I want a combo.
Employee: Uh...
Mom: Just get me a combo, Lisa.
Me: I'll take a #4 combo with a Coke.
Employee: Does that complete your order?
Me: Oh my gosh, I hope so.
I think the employee who took our order must have enjoyed our exchange because we heard her giggling over the speaker, either that or she thought we were idiots. Maybe both.