I Feel So Unnecessary

It starts with losing interest in activities I once enjoyed. Then the crying at inconvenient moments comes on. That's fun. Then the irrability kicks in. That's fun too. It affects my work and my life. Stress and depression. One leads to the other. Makes life, um, interesting. I've struggled with it for a long time. I quit living because of it. Quit school. Quit work. I didn't like doing it but in my opinion if you can't handle something and it starts to affect the people around you- it's time to step back and get some help. ( Sorry for the run-on sentence, I'm bad for that.) Annnnyway... I do have a point. For the two people who know and have read my book I've been a caregiver for a long time. Since my 20s. Parents, Grandparents, The Husband- yes, that's his name. It's an honor and a privilege. I like doing it, I'm glad I can. I've learned a lot, grown in many ways. It can also be a bitch. Sorry. But it can. The hospitalizations, t...

My Mother had an appointment at a neurologist's office yesterday. She hadn't been there in four years but her migraines got worse so she went back. This time she saw a nurse practitioner she'd never seen before. The FNP seemed nice enough even though she seemed hurried. She asked questions about Mom's medical history and at times asked another question before Mom could get the first one answered. I had to keep chanting to myself " Don't say anything. Don't say anything." I understand that medical practitioners are busy and pressed for time. However, not allowing enough time to get a clear picture of your patient can be detrimental. How can you treat someone properly if you're too rushed to listen? Or too rushed to do a procedure properly? She ended up giving Mom an Occipital nerve block to help with her migraines- I watched her do it. She didn't appear to have a light touch and didn't numb the area like Mom's dr. did whe...

My Dad came to the house today for me to call about a medical bill he received. When he came in the door he took off his cap and revealed  a shaved head. “Oh. my. gosh. What’d you do? That ain’t right,” I said. “I was trimming my hair and accidentally slipped and decided to shave my head,” he said. “You look like a redneck Mister Clean.” “That’s what he said!” the husband replied. “I think I look good.” “Okay.” My brother saw the picture and texted me saying, ” He looks like a short, fat Punjab or Sloth from The Goonies.” “Who’s Poojam?” Dad asked. “Punjab. And please put your cap back on, Kojak.” “Yeah, Kojak. I need to get me a lollipop.”

In. Out. In. Out- goes the rise and fall of my husband's chest. Ever since his heart attack in February I've watching him breathe when he goes to sleep. Okay. Watching him breathe more. He's had health problems for a while and for several years I've watched him as he sleeps. He sometimes wakes up and sees me staring at him. I'm sure it's not disconcerting whatsoever for him. This was also a habit I had with my grandparents. Especially my grandmother. But her heart would actually stop for a few seconds before she got her pacemaker.   Fun times for everyone. I  also usually ask the husband several times during the day if he's ok or if his chest is hurting. I have slacked off, though, instead of asking 20 times a day I now ask 15 times a day. I'm sure that doesn't bug him at all. It's just various family members have had several major health problems recently. Heart attack, three surgeries within six months for my mother, my grandfa...

Yesterday while sitting in the chair reading the phone rang. The husband picked it up, spoke for a few minutes to the caller, and handed it to me. It was my Dad. " Lisa, do you have a box?", he asked.  " I think so. Why do you need one?", I asked. " I went to the store and on the way I hear ' Meow , meow, meow.' The damn cat got under my seat and is having kittens." So... about an hour later after I finished laughing I found a box and went outside. " Bring the box here, she's under the seat. You'll have to get 'em. I can't reach under there. I'll get you a towel." " I don't think I can fit either," I said. " You can reach better than I can." " Um, ok." So I gently reached under the seat and extracted the mother... " OOH OOH OOH, one's still attached," I exclaimed as I sat the mommy cat back down. " It's ok. That happens. Just pick it up and put...

Dad received a somewhat threatening and very vague letter from The Social Security Administration- (which is their usual mode of communication) saying he had a phone appt. He went ahead and called them. Here is the oh so stimulating conversation: Dad: I was just wondering what the letter was about? I'm not losing any brownie points, am I? CSR: Noooo. We just have some questions- to see if your situation has changed. But I'll have to make a phone appt. for later today. Dad: Well, I'm still sick. Can't you tell by the way I talk? Silence. Then... I'll have to call you later in the afternoon. Now, he did say if she would have told him he was getting another $5.00 he was going to tell her to give it to Congress cause they're broke. Thankfully that didn't come up.

We took Dad to the hospital today to get a holter monitor put on. As usual the discussion was deep: " Wonder what your Mommy will think when I have this machine on? I'll be like that one on tv with the artifical arm, leg, and eye. We can make him better, faster, stronger", Dad said. " Yes, you'll be the Six Dollar Man", said I. " Sharper than a bowling ball, able to leap the kitchen table in a single thud. It's the Six Dollar Man." After he got it on- " Don't call me Iron Man, call me Aluminum Man. Lisa, this thing's expensive so I'm now the Ten Dollar Man. Ten Dollar Aluminum  Man. I don't have a fancy eye like the other, though." " But you do have a really fierce squint.It's creepy", The Husband said. " And I can see my a** with both eyes.", said Dad. The Six Dollar Man- Able to leap a table with a single thud

My Dad had a doctor’s appt. Wednesday. He told the doctor his  concerns and more blood work was ordered. Because of what showed up in the blood work the dr. wanted Dad to have a CT scan to make sure he didn’t have any blood clots. This news didn’t go over well. See Dad doesn’t like closed in places or needles. That’s because he’s normal. Anyone who looks forward to crawling in a MRI hole or getting stuck with needles is a not playing with a full deck. Yay, I get to have blood drawn! Highlight of my life! But the dr. was really concerned to I tried talking to him rationally, then bossily, and then using a guilt trip. Curses! Nothing worked. So… I told my brother to have my niece talk to him. Here is what she said: ” You go to doctor. Be brave. I got shot, it not hurt. It’s Ok. Be brave.” He went and had his test done today.  Being manipulative works. He also took an anti anxiety- med and became a fan of it. ” I like this stuff. I feel woozy and floaty. I sh...

Before getting a shot my Dad asked the nurse whether he could have candy. "Yes", she said, "and some stickers." "Oh boy!", he exclaimed, "I can take the stickers to my granddaughter." Uh huh. After she had left and he had his reward, I said, " Oh.my.gosh. What are you, three? Wanting candy and stickers for a shot? Hey, can I have one of those Spiderman stickers?"

After Dad's doctor appointment I made an off hand comment that my brother and I need to keep adding to the list of medical conditions our family has. Dad's response: "Well, things like cancer, diabetes, etc. is gonna happen. It's all generic." Me: "I think that's genetic, Dad." Dad: "Whatever. But it is."

On the way to Camp Bethel to look at Christmas lights- Alvin and the Chipmunks "Christmastime is Here" came on the radio-My Dad said,  "Lisa, turn that up. That's what I'm wanting to hear." (Who knew?) Chipmunks:"Christmas, Christmas time is here..." Mom: "ALVIN!" Dad: "Hush! I'm listening to the song." "Time for joy and time for cheer..." Mom: "ALVIN!" Dad: "I want to listen to the song!" "Simon wants a loop de loop, or whatever the heck they're saying..." Mom: "ALVIN!"... FUN TRIP.

Waitress: What do you want on your grilled cheese sandwich? Dad: Cheese. Mom:Where are you going to get Scott's house shoes- Norton? Me: I guess I could. Dad: Yeah, you could go to Lowe's and see if they have any. Me: I don't think they sell house shoes at Lowe's, Dad. Dad: Oh, I bet they do. Then later... Lisa, watch that idiot swerving in front of you. He's probably talking on his cell phone and googling or taking pictures of his crackberry. Or he could be tweeting on his pee pod. You know now they got this pod thing the size of a clipboard and you can read magazines on it? Why can't people just buy a freakin' magazine instead of carrying those things around?

Dad on people using Botox: "Give me a hammer, I'll whack 'em on the forehead. They may be black and blue for a while but it'll smooth out their wrinkles. And...him on using dish washing liquid to wash his clothes- "Ajax with the orangy or apply smell, it's got degreaser, your clothes'll smell fruity and it takes the brown down." Scott: "That would be a good slogan, Ajax- it takes the brown down." I'm surrounded by idjits.  And for something unrelated to this post- I am quoted in an article for the AARP Bulletin on grandchildren as caregivers: http://www.aarp.org/relationships/caregiving/info-08-2011/grandchild-as-caregiver.html?cmp=SN-FCBK-BULLETIN&sf1991491=1  

My dad got his blood drawn recently. After he had it done he came stumbling out of the lab saying: "Hold me up sis, they took so much I'm too weak to walk." (As he dramatically collapsed against the wall). "Did you hear me screaming in there?" Me- "Yes, Dad everyone did." Dad- "You're gonna have to help me, I don't think I can make it." Me- "Well, you must not be too weak, you're still flapping your jaws." Then later after my mother's doctor appointment we ate at a Chinese restaurant. For some reason she tried to take the lid off the soy sauce- Me- "Uh, what are you doing?" Mom- "Trying to get this to pour out." Me- "You don't take the lid off soy sauce." Mom- "Whoops, I wasn't paying attention." She then proceeded to pound the lid back on, cracking it in the process and knocking condiments off the table. I think the bottle must have offended her in some way. I ...