I Feel So Unnecessary

Genre: Non-fiction/Caregiving 41 pages Published on amazon January 8, 2015 Synopsis: A short book on my caregiving experiences with my sassy grandmother. It contains funny things she said, rants, and my thoughts on caregiving. I've also included some caregiving resources at the end. You can buy it for $2.99 here If you do purchase it, please leave a review. I appreciate it. Lisa

I Don't Wanna Be An Orange Anymore!: A Novel By: Hank Kellner Genre: Children's Fiction 82 pages Publisher: Smashwords, 2013 I received a complimentary copy from the author in exchange for an honest review. Follow nine year old Willie Watson as he goes through various adventures in his hometown of Meadowview. He deals with the school bully, rebels against being an orange in a school play, and puts up with pesky relatives at Christmas. I really didn't know what to expect when I started reading this novel. While I found Willie's comparisons of people to horrible things who got on his nerves to be a little tiresome at first; the book started to grow on me. It reminded me a little of A Christmas Story. It's a cute book that suitable for children but also enjoyable for adults. It's a ... Add it on Goodreads Buy it here: Smashwords / Amazon / B&N Lisa

My Dad came to the house today for me to call about a medical bill he received. When he came in the door he took off his cap and revealed  a shaved head. “Oh. my. gosh. What’d you do? That ain’t right,” I said. “I was trimming my hair and accidentally slipped and decided to shave my head,” he said. “You look like a redneck Mister Clean.” “That’s what he said!” the husband replied. “I think I look good.” “Okay.” My brother saw the picture and texted me saying, ” He looks like a short, fat Punjab or Sloth from The Goonies.” “Who’s Poojam?” Dad asked. “Punjab. And please put your cap back on, Kojak.” “Yeah, Kojak. I need to get me a lollipop.”

Over the past couple of months various family members have been hospitalized. My husband for a light heart attack, hip replacement surgery for my mother, and now my grandfather is in the hospital with pneumonia and congestive heart failure. Here are some highlights from his stay in the hospital: My grandfather was sitting in a recliner in the hospital when all of a sudden he jumped up and headed to the bed. " AAAH!AAAH! What are you doing?", I asked. " Trying to get back to bed." He was quicker than me and got back on the bed before I could make a move. He sprawled across the bed and got tangled up in his wires.  Jesus help me. I hollered for the nurse to help me. She remarked: " Boy, he's a spunky little thing." " Yes he is. He's a lot quicker than me."   I don't know whether to be impressed or ashamed. Meanwhile, my Mother is still recovering from hip replacement surgery and my Dad has been staying with her while th...

Recently The Husband got a letter from a government agency explaining he would lose part of his benefits if he didn't call them and correct the address. Okayyy, we thought that was a little strange because he had been getting correspondence from that agency at our new address for over a year. So, he called them. After waiting for 275 hours he finally got through. Husband: Hello. I got a letter telling me I would lose some of my money... CSA: Yes. It says we need your correct address. Husband: I've been getting correspondence from your agency for over a year at my new address. CSA: The system says we need your new address. Husband: I have a letter in my hand from your agency with the correct address on it. CSA: Yes but...let me transfer you. He got the person's answering machine and left a message. The next day Lo and Behold the agency called back. My husband was informed that it was a different system and it needed the new address. " But it's the same age...

Today I took my Dad to the store. He bought some Dove Dark Chocolate that he likes so well. Here's his response to it: " Mmm, Mmm. I'm glad I got some of this chocolate candy. I was punying away." " You sure are talking a lot to be so puny.", I responded. " Hush. I was using that...what's that thing they use on Star Wars? Omen?" " The Force." " Yeah. I was using the Force like Oji Ben Kaknobby, Yoder, Sky Lukewalker, and Princess Lay Me Down." " Dear Lord in Heaven. Help Me." " What' s that thing called that growled all the time?" " Chewbacca." " Yeah. I bet Chewbaccer had a tick on his ass. That's why he growled so much. Who was that with him?" " Han Solo." " Han Soho?" " Yes. It was Han Soho."  

It's been slightly over two weeks since my husband got home from the hospital after suffering a light heart attack. Last night I asked him: " How are you doing" Is your chest bothering you?" He responded with: " My chest has always bothered me. It looks like a hairless Mexican Chihuahua." " Oh my gosh. Nevermind."

Mom fixed fudge for a church to do. -It didn't set up right because of the humidity. She had me cut it and put it on a plate. Here's what occurred.  " Try to make it look pretty on the plate", she said. " Yeah, it's not working. It's too soft", I said. " Uh, that looks like poop. Let's not take that." " Good idea."

Recently I've had to fill out more medical history forms. According to the company they've reduced paperwork and made it more simple for the patient. So how come there seems to be more forms with basically the same questions over and over?  It's a puzzler. So, anyway...after receiving an envelope bigger than my head filled with the forms I got to filling them out. 292 pages of the same thing. Sometimes I think of writing off the wall answers just to keep them on their toes. Not that I ever would. No. Not me.   Name: WONDER WOMAN Sex: Yes. Please. What are some of your hobbies? Playing chicken with pedestrians. Do you consume alcohol? Heck yeah. Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill is da bomb. If yes, how much? As often as I can. Have you used any illegal drugs? I like the ganja. What languages do you speak? Swahili Marital Status: Unfortunately Race: No thanks, I can't run very fast. Have you had any surgery in the past? Prostrate removed.

We took Dad to the hospital today to get a holter monitor put on. As usual the discussion was deep: " Wonder what your Mommy will think when I have this machine on? I'll be like that one on tv with the artifical arm, leg, and eye. We can make him better, faster, stronger", Dad said. " Yes, you'll be the Six Dollar Man", said I. " Sharper than a bowling ball, able to leap the kitchen table in a single thud. It's the Six Dollar Man." After he got it on- " Don't call me Iron Man, call me Aluminum Man. Lisa, this thing's expensive so I'm now the Ten Dollar Man. Ten Dollar Aluminum  Man. I don't have a fancy eye like the other, though." " But you do have a really fierce squint.It's creepy", The Husband said. " And I can see my a** with both eyes.", said Dad. The Six Dollar Man- Able to leap a table with a single thud

Dad went to the doctor a few days ago. As usual the conversation was um, interesting. Something's been causing him to overheat and then have panic attacks. He's been poked, prodded, and scanned and nothing's been found. I have my own theory: "Something's making you overheat. Maybe you're going through menopause.", I said. " Maybe. I might have to get a himarectomy.", Dad said. "Yeah, Dad. You do that." Then talk veered to what children watch these days: " All kids wanna watch these days is some goop about people wearing magic rings and flying around in the sky.", he said. " Huh? I have no idea what you're talking about.", I exclaimed. " Kids need to watch Yodi and Dark Tater. When they get to fighting you can see the fire flying from their life savers." " Uh, Dad. They're light sabers, not life savers." " Yeah, them life savers really do the trick."  " Okaaaa...

Philosophical discussions for today: At the doctor's office- Me: There goes a time waster. Dad: What? Me: Drug rep. Dad: He's got a bandage on his arm, reckon it's tennis elbow? Scott: Yeah. Dad: He's walking funny. Me: That's where they sucked the soul out his a**. And... Scott: Ooh that sign says they do microdermabrasion. Dad: Is that where they put something on your face or under your arms and rub it? Scott: Yeah, they do. They put something on your skin to peel the upper layer off and it makes you shiny and bootiful. Dad: Shoot, get a rough rag and some lye soap. It does the same thing, call it lyesoapbrasion. It's got grit from the ashes, some pig lard. That works.

Yesterday my husband went to the ophthalmologist for his eye. As he was taking the initial exam when the tech adjusted the letters for him he asked if he could see any of the letters better. My husband replied, " You've got to be kidding." After some more tests, the doctor came back with the diagnosis- a retinal tear which could lead to a retinal detachment. The treatment for the tear was laser treatment to create a barrier so the tear wouldn't expand anymore. So I went back to the waiting room and the husband went into the laser tag room. After a few minutes he came out and I asked how it went. "Well, when they were doing it all of a sudden these bright lights starting exploding behind my eye. Especially purple, a bright purple haze. I thought I was experiencing the 60s again." Okaaay. Anyway he goes back in three weeks- and yes he is still wearing his eye patch and using pirate speak.

When we went to pick up my husband's medicine the other day my Dad was driving. This is what took place when he drove up to the pick-up window. "Hello", Dad said. " You have to push the call button," I told him. " My arms ain't long enough." " Use my grabby tool", The Husband said. ( Yes that's the technical term.) " Ding Dong. Avon calling," said Dad. " Good grief, " I exclaimed. After a few minutes the tech still hadn't come to the window so Dad tooted the horn a couple of times. " Don't do that." " Well, they ain't coming." As the tech come to the window- " She done it," as he pointed to me. " I did not." " I was eating," the tech said. " Did you save me some?,' he asked. " Good grief," I exclaimed while trying to make myself invisible. " No, it's all gone," she said. " Well, can I lick the pape...

Scott on Justin Bieber: Who is that on the radio? Me: That's Justin Beaver. Him: THAT'S Justin Beaver? I thought it was Keshia or somebody. Me: Nope, that's him. He's like 18 and his voice hasn't changed yet. He still sounds like a girl. Scott: Geez, he get his b*lls cut off or something? We're going party like it's 3012...what the freak? At least Prince got it right-partying like it's 1999, I guess Beaver didn't get the reference or something. Now who's that, is that Keshia? Me: That's Nikki Minaj...one of those interchangeable weird girl singers. Scott: This is a fun song, I wish I were high.

E-book format 104 pages Publisher:  Bafflegab Books (February 6, 2013) Synopsis:   The author has written a tongue-in-cheek guide on how to become a better writer.Drawing from his years of experience writing scripts and novels Vorhaus has written a short overview of the writing process, how to get the most out of it, and how to avoid it's most common mistakes. My Review: A funny, informative guide for people wanting to improve their writing skills. He offers tips in a whimsical, tongue-in-cheek style that's entertaining and informative. It's a quick to the point read. I enjoyed reading it and will put his good advice to use. Find more info on John at:   website:   www.johnvorhaus.com how to write good :   www.tinyurl.com/jv-htwg twitter @TrueFactBarFact amazon author page: amazon.com/author/jv Rating:   Buy it at: amazon  

As we pulled up to the house we saw a herd of cats, this is what The Husband said:   "Geez, there's a cat on the porch, a cat in the window, and a cat...wait no 3 cats on the roof. It's like a kitty western. I think one on the roof is holding a Winchester. It's got crazy eyes. Ooh Oooh it just said Don't make any sudden moves. I'd soon shoot ya as scratch ya." Image Courtesy of Master file