I Feel So Unnecessary

It starts with losing interest in activities I once enjoyed. Then the crying at inconvenient moments comes on. That's fun. Then the irrability kicks in. That's fun too. It affects my work and my life. Stress and depression. One leads to the other. Makes life, um, interesting. I've struggled with it for a long time. I quit living because of it. Quit school. Quit work. I didn't like doing it but in my opinion if you can't handle something and it starts to affect the people around you- it's time to step back and get some help. ( Sorry for the run-on sentence, I'm bad for that.) Annnnyway... I do have a point. For the two people who know and have read my book I've been a caregiver for a long time. Since my 20s. Parents, Grandparents, The Husband- yes, that's his name. It's an honor and a privilege. I like doing it, I'm glad I can. I've learned a lot, grown in many ways. It can also be a bitch. Sorry. But it can. The hospitalizations, t...

As I've written before my husband had a light heart attack a few months ago and for a while I watched him breathe constantly when he was asleep. I still do it at times but it's settled down a lot. But a few nights ago we were in bed and I noticed he was cold and not moving and I couldn't hear him breathe, so I poked him... " Did you feel me poking you early this morning?", I asked the Husband.  " No, why'd you poke me?" " I couldn't hear you breathing and you were cold, so I poked you to make sure you were alive.", I said. " Was I? Did I move?" " Yes, you were breathing but the first time I poked you, you didn't move so I poked you again." " You know what to do from reading all those mystery novels, don't you?"  " Yes." " Maybe I'm a zombie." " Maybe you are."

In. Out. In. Out- goes the rise and fall of my husband's chest. Ever since his heart attack in February I've watching him breathe when he goes to sleep. Okay. Watching him breathe more. He's had health problems for a while and for several years I've watched him as he sleeps. He sometimes wakes up and sees me staring at him. I'm sure it's not disconcerting whatsoever for him. This was also a habit I had with my grandparents. Especially my grandmother. But her heart would actually stop for a few seconds before she got her pacemaker.   Fun times for everyone. I  also usually ask the husband several times during the day if he's ok or if his chest is hurting. I have slacked off, though, instead of asking 20 times a day I now ask 15 times a day. I'm sure that doesn't bug him at all. It's just various family members have had several major health problems recently. Heart attack, three surgeries within six months for my mother, my grandfa...

Recently The Husband got a letter from a government agency explaining he would lose part of his benefits if he didn't call them and correct the address. Okayyy, we thought that was a little strange because he had been getting correspondence from that agency at our new address for over a year. So, he called them. After waiting for 275 hours he finally got through. Husband: Hello. I got a letter telling me I would lose some of my money... CSA: Yes. It says we need your correct address. Husband: I've been getting correspondence from your agency for over a year at my new address. CSA: The system says we need your new address. Husband: I have a letter in my hand from your agency with the correct address on it. CSA: Yes but...let me transfer you. He got the person's answering machine and left a message. The next day Lo and Behold the agency called back. My husband was informed that it was a different system and it needed the new address. " But it's the same age...

It's been slightly over two weeks since my husband got home from the hospital after suffering a light heart attack. Last night I asked him: " How are you doing" Is your chest bothering you?" He responded with: " My chest has always bothered me. It looks like a hairless Mexican Chihuahua." " Oh my gosh. Nevermind."

My husband had a doctor appointment yesterday; and while in the exam room waiting the husband was looking over the wall of brochures and advertisements for ridiculously high priced medications. As he was perusing them he asked me : " Zetia, isn't that some kind of pasta dish?" " Uh no. I believe that would be ziti." " Tell me what you like to eati. I myself prefer some ziti." " Good grief."

Even though I am on the cusp of middle age I am averse to sticking my hand into dead animal's body cavities. So in preparing a hen to bake I told Scott: "I may need you in a few minutes because I'm not sticking my hand up this chicken's butt." "I understand." So in a few minutes I called for Scott: " I need you." "Ok." But then I gave myself a pep talk, did some deep breathing, and plunged in. " That's ok. I did it. Woo Hoo I'm a big girl." " Yay."

Last night I was not feeling well. I was alternating between hot and cold. My forehead also felt hot to the touch so I asked the husband: " I feel hot. Will you check either my forehead or cheek and see what you think?" " You're on fire!", he exclaimed. " Wrong cheek Dr. Perv."

Yesterday my husband went to the ophthalmologist for his eye. As he was taking the initial exam when the tech adjusted the letters for him he asked if he could see any of the letters better. My husband replied, " You've got to be kidding." After some more tests, the doctor came back with the diagnosis- a retinal tear which could lead to a retinal detachment. The treatment for the tear was laser treatment to create a barrier so the tear wouldn't expand anymore. So I went back to the waiting room and the husband went into the laser tag room. After a few minutes he came out and I asked how it went. "Well, when they were doing it all of a sudden these bright lights starting exploding behind my eye. Especially purple, a bright purple haze. I thought I was experiencing the 60s again." Okaaay. Anyway he goes back in three weeks- and yes he is still wearing his eye patch and using pirate speak.

The husband has been having trouble with his right eye. He doesn't want to go to the ER  so until we can get to the eye doctor next week he's wearing an eye patch. And pretending he's Jack Sparrow, 'cept he bathes. " Yar. Yar. Y'know yar." Makes me want to walk the plank. Cap'n Graybeard

My husband and I had one of our deep philosophical discussions a few days ago: " Very few of my teachers inspired me. I liked a lot of them but very few of them were inspiring.", I said. " I'm trying to think of some of mine. I liked some, too. But a lot of them just weren't good teachers.", he stated. " Now, my third grade teacher- I loved her. She was patient and read to us and she encouraged us to read with reading contests." " Yeah, I loved it when teachers read to us." " Now my second grade teacher, I didn't learn hardly anything in her class. I had to teach myself how to tell time. Oh, wait. We learned the hokey pokey." " Well, that's important. You learned to put your left foot in and your left foot out. And your right foot in and your right foot out." " And I learned to turn myself around. That's what it's all about."

I am the designated money handler for the family so on the first of every month I do the bill paying. The Husband and I recently had a conversation about this topic: " I don't know why I get so tired after going out. You'd think just paying bills wouldn't make me so tired.", I said. "You're out of shape," said Husband Dear. "Excuse me?" "You're out of shape." "Do I make reference to the state of your being? Noooo. I meant that doing all the running is tiring. Besides, I was just making conversation but you had to go and be a man and show  your ignorance." "I'll just sit over here." "You do that." photo courtesy of : http://www.123rf.com

As we pulled up to the house we saw a herd of cats, this is what The Husband said:   "Geez, there's a cat on the porch, a cat in the window, and a cat...wait no 3 cats on the roof. It's like a kitty western. I think one on the roof is holding a Winchester. It's got crazy eyes. Ooh Oooh it just said Don't make any sudden moves. I'd soon shoot ya as scratch ya." Image Courtesy of Master file