I Feel So Unnecessary

I don't know if I've said this before but I'm not exactly the most graceful person. I regularly trip over my own feet or run into things...or drop food onto myself. Case in point- A couple of nights ago we had pizza. I don't like hamburger on my pizza so I picked it off. As the transfer was taking place from my plate to the old man's he warned me the pizza was about to fall. Whoops, too late. Splat! It fell on my shoulder. As the old man picked the slice up he offered this piece of helpful advice- "You've got a pepperoni in your pit."

Passing by a friend's house my grandmother waved. I told her the person wasn't on the porch and I said, "I think that was a chicken." She then said, "Well, I was waving at the chicken then."  Chickens need friends, too I suppose.

I used to be a good housekeeper...a very anal retentive one. I used to clean every few days and keep the place un-cluttered. The husband used to comment that I was picking dirt off the floor that wasn't even there. Uh, yes it WAS. However, for the past few years, my housekeeping has slacked off. Now, I clean when I get to the point that I can't stand looking at the mess anymore. I guess part of it's due to the fact that as a caregiver to family I'm just too tired and stressed to worry about the house. I'm going to have to do something soon, though. Between the weeds outside and the dust and cobwebs inside the place is starting to resemble the Addams family house. I've decided to start speaking more French and wearing all black and the husband needs to grow a mustache, slick his hair back, and start wearing suits. We're also looking for a butler named Lurch. But one without the growling sounds...that freaks me out.

My mother and grandfather have a tendency to, uh, butt heads a lot. I hadn't seen my grandmother in a few days so I went down there today. As soon as I walked in the door there was butting going on. I managed to remain calm, however, it was through no effort of mine. Jesus had to take over. He held my tongue back, and let me tell you that's quite a job to do. My grandfather was fussing about the washing machine and how expensive it was. He said he was going to get rid of it, to which my grandmother responded with- "I don't give a shit. You  can get rid of the whole house as far as I care." When I got there she was all ready and waiting for me to take her out. As we were going out the door my grandfather told her to be careful. She said, "Aw, shit. You gonna start hollering at me all the way out the door.?"

Our eighth anniversary is coming up in a little over two weeks-I've been reminding my husband of this fact for a little over a week now. Recently I asked him- Me: What do you want to do for our anniversary? Scott: Stay Married. (Aw, that's nice but I was thinking "where are you going to take me and what are you going to buy me?") Scott: We can go out to dinner and see a chick flick. Me: How about watching "Fright Night"?  He then asked if "Fright Night" was a chick flick. I said, yes, it is. Cause nothing screams "Happy Anniversary!!" more than watching Colin Farrell play a vampire .

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I accidentally used the last check in our check book today, forgetting I needed to pay for our take-out. The bank was near so I went to the ATM machine. In my haste, I ripped the $20 bill in half getting it out of the machine. I debated taking it to the pizza place and offering them both halves of the bill as payment but decided against it. I then had to go back to Wal-mart to get tape to tape up the bill. Thankfully, they accepted the raggedy bill. Then, as I was exiting the drive-thru, the car decided not to move... and I was like, wth this time? Turns somebody hadn't let off the emergency brake. Whoops. Did I mention I'm about as graceful as a bull in a china shop?

After we brought my grandmother home my grandfather asked, "Where'd you go?" Cille: "Nowhere really, just riding." My grandfather: "Who'd you see?" Cille: "Nobody, sh*t and quit asking questions."

Today at my grandparents' my mother asked if my grandmother wanted to go out. I asked my grandmother if how she felt and she responded with: "I don't feel too good, I'm not sick. I think it's just where I haven't been out in a while. Me (to mom): "I think we've got our answer." As we were leaving, my grandfather asked- "Are you going to get my tea for me, Lisa?"   Cille: (looking at his face) "Are you going to get somebody to help you shave cause it looks like you need it."

In an earlier post I described how my husband was 19 yrs. older than me but we were compatible anyway. And that was because he's immature for his age, as all men tend to be and I'm mature for my age  as most women tend to be. Case in point, his humor. Here are some gems from the 12 yr. old residing in a 50-something yr. old body: Scott: I just composed my own epitaph. Me: What's that? Scott: Something you put on a gravestone. Another goody: What kind of car did Queen Elizabeth I drive? Queen Elizabeth I, she didn't drive a car. Yes, she did. Queen Elizabeth I lived in the 1500s, she did not drive a car. Yes, she drove a tu-dor sedan. Or...the time he pretended to lay a boiled egg, that was the highlight of my day.   Sometimes I think a poke in the eye with a sharp stick would be less painful.

Dad on people using Botox: "Give me a hammer, I'll whack 'em on the forehead. They may be black and blue for a while but it'll smooth out their wrinkles. And...him on using dish washing liquid to wash his clothes- "Ajax with the orangy or apply smell, it's got degreaser, your clothes'll smell fruity and it takes the brown down." Scott: "That would be a good slogan, Ajax- it takes the brown down." I'm surrounded by idjits.  And for something unrelated to this post- I am quoted in an article for the AARP Bulletin on grandchildren as caregivers: http://www.aarp.org/relationships/caregiving/info-08-2011/grandchild-as-caregiver.html?cmp=SN-FCBK-BULLETIN&sf1991491=1  

Scott (after reading something about couples): "Aw, I want to grow old with you." Me: "You're already old."  We banter like this back and forth all the time...I like to think of us as the poor, non-mystery solving Asta-less version of Nick and Nora Charles. Despite our 19 yr. age difference we have a lot in common and are very compatible. Maybe it's due to the fact that he's immature for his age and I'm mature for mine.

My Dad My husband and I, along with my parents had a yard sale Saturday. A woman came by and apparently my dad thought she wasn't going to get out of her car so..Dad being Dad he said to her: "Get on out, we're friendly." Lady: "Do you bite?" Dad: "No, I ain't got no teeth." I still haven't decided if that's a good selling tactic or an incentive to get in the car and run away as fast as you can.

Lately, I've cut back on some stuff-such as impulse buying junk food (or other things that are shiny and colorful), soft drinks, and eating fast food. I need to lose weight and my blood pressure's a little high. So yesterday, I decided to reward myself for cutting back on the junk food. With taco bell. Yep, I made a run for the border.

What is it about grandmothers that make you do things you don't feel like doing? Cille: "You coming down today?" Me: "Probably not, we just got back from taking Dad to the doctor and we had to wait over two hours so I'm pretty tired." Cille: "Well, I wanted to go to the Dutch Treat and get some pies." Me: "Okay, I'll take you." Works every time.

Why do men think they need to give women pointers when cleaning?  Any man relative:"Well, if it was me, I'd do it this way." Or- "You need to do it that way." Well, whoopy doo, why don't you do it then? My grandfather used to come in the kitchen when I was trying to do something and give me advice. My grandmother had to tell him: "Get in her, sit down and leave her alone. She knows what she's doing. I reckon." Women came out of the womb knowing how to clean. The men just need to stay out of our way and everything will be fine.

At my check-up the nurse practitioner asked if the neurontin I take helps. I told her yes, it helps my leg. Scott thinks it also helps my mood, but I happen to think my mood is PRETTY FREAKIN' PEACHY anyway. The nurse also went over a self care checklist with me: "Do you smoke?" No "Do you eat at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables every day?" No "Do you exercise at least 30 minutes every day?" No (See a theme here?) "Do you sleep at least 7 hours at night?" No  "How much alcohol do you drink?" Not enough Nurse: "Ok, you have to have at least one goal to on this list to improve your self care. Which one do you want to work on?" Me: "Oh geez, I guess I'll try to exercise more. Maybe."  I know I need to take better care of myself, I'm a chubby little monkey and my eating habits aren't so great. But COME ON exercising is about as exciting as watching paint dry and Chips Ahoy takes waaay better th...

My grandfather had a fender bender today. Luckily he wasn't hurt nor did he get a ticket. Apparently he didn't know he was hit and left the scene of the accident. He felt a bump to the back of his car but thought the car was jumping as it sometimes does. The police came to his house but he hadn't returned home yet and they looked up and down the road but couldn't find him. I figured if he wasn't hurt he pulled a "Dukes of Hazzard" and was runnin' from the law just as fast as he could. My mother called frantic and as I was on my way down there he showed up. She then called the state trooper and he returned to their house. My grandfather told the trooper that the "fella didn't have to hit me, there was a whole other lane he could have gone to." I told him the trooper said he was going to have to get evaluated by a doctor to see if he was able to drive and there was a possibility of losing his license. He said he didn't care- he was go...

My dad got his blood drawn recently. After he had it done he came stumbling out of the lab saying: "Hold me up sis, they took so much I'm too weak to walk." (As he dramatically collapsed against the wall). "Did you hear me screaming in there?" Me- "Yes, Dad everyone did." Dad- "You're gonna have to help me, I don't think I can make it." Me- "Well, you must not be too weak, you're still flapping your jaws." Then later after my mother's doctor appointment we ate at a Chinese restaurant. For some reason she tried to take the lid off the soy sauce- Me- "Uh, what are you doing?" Mom- "Trying to get this to pour out." Me- "You don't take the lid off soy sauce." Mom- "Whoops, I wasn't paying attention." She then proceeded to pound the lid back on, cracking it in the process and knocking condiments off the table. I think the bottle must have offended her in some way. I ...