I Feel So Unnecessary

I visited the store today seeing how our cupboards were bare- meaning we were out of pizza and Diet Pepsi. The problem is I was hungry when I entered the store. So hungry I was about to go all Encino Man in the Wal-mart and rip into some chicken. Seriously though you should not shop hungry unless you want to leave with buggy full of twinkies and ho ho's. I love you twinkies. I don't know what you're made of but I love you. Just kidding. I bought cookies and ice cream. I have been trying to eat better seeing as how my doctor told me I need to lose weight because I'm more susceptible to diabetes or some shit. Bitch. I have lost some. My double chin is now almost a single. It gets lonely at night, it has nothing to keep it warm.

While at the cardiologist's office yesterday: Nurse: We don't have much history on you so I'm going to have to ask you some questions. Dad: Ok. Do you drink? No. Do you smoke? Yes. Do you use recreational drugs? Does rabbit tobacco count? Are you allergic to shrimp or any other shellfish? No, not that I know of. I sure would like to have some good ol' shrimp. I ain't had any in a while.  ( I think it was at this time that the nurse realized she was in over her head.) Are you allergic to latex? I ain't ever tried any. Do you ever see lights or spots in front of your eyes? I seen some lights fly over the house the other night. Does that count? Does you ever feel a choking sensation or a tightness in your chest? Only when I'm around my family. Do you ever feel anxious or stressed? Only around my family.Have you noticed your voice getting deeper or any other changes? (in a deep voice) No. It was then I showed my maturity and started gig...

Tampico's Gold by Elizabeth Braun My rating: 3 of 5 stars From Goodreads: Anna leaves behind her home in England when she moves to Tampico, Mexico with her husband William in the year 1919. Her English ancestry isolates her from her new life, and so begin her daily inscriptions in a poetic diary, which capture her daily thoughts, tribulations and her endeavors to understand the strange new culture that exists around her. As an avid reader herself, the entries in her diary reflect the books that she is reading. Each entry describes in detail the enormity of the torment that she is subject to; the hardship of adapting to the lifestyle with which she must acquaint herself, along with the pleasures of her new found activities, those of which, will ultimately lead towards her destiny. Elizabeth Braun delivers an absorbing literary tale of original prose; the daily thoughts of a woman who refuses to concede to her life of cultural and social isolation from the country...

Dad to the tech before and during his ultrasound yesterday- "I was going to being my own jelly but I forgot it. I've lost weight (while poking out his stomach) so everything should be easy to see. I also cleaned out my belly button for you." Meanwhile I'm sitting in the corner trying to hide muttering "good grief" under my breath every few seconds.

At a lab where Scott and Dad were getting blood work: Dad: Look that lady's got a jar in a ziplock bag. Does that supposed to keep it fresh? I wouldn't wanna put my sammich in one of those. Later... They said I could bring my jar back Thursday cause I didn't wanna walk where everyone could see it. I'm gonna put it in a paper bag and write Pee in a Bag or Larry's Lunch on it when I bring it back.

My grandfather has a tendency to leave the back door unlocked. He did that this afternoon and I locked it back for fear a booger would come in. The Husband asked, " Isn't Bobo out there?" " No, I don't see him.", I said. "Then why is the mop moving?" "It's enchanted."

My Mom has a tendency to leave and not tell anyone where she is going. Today she left out early and is still not back...my husband and I were discussing this habit of hers: " Where could she be?", asked Dear Husband. " I don't know where she is. She might have been kidnapped by some Deliverance hillbillies and they took her to the woods and made her their woman or something.", I said. "And they got her fetching water, toting firewood, and tuning their banjers.", he said.

Due Date by Nancy W. Wood File Size: 701 KB Print Length: 373 pages Publisher: Solstice Publishing (May 28, 2012) Synopsis from amazon.com: Surrogate mother Shelby McDougall just fell for the biggest con of all—a scam that risks her life and the lives of her unborn twins. Shelby McDougall, recent college graduate, is facing a mountain of student debt and carting a burden she'd like to exorcise. A Rolling Stone ad for a surrogate mother offers her a way to erase the loans and right her karmic place in the cosmos. Within a month, she's signed a contract with intended parents Jackson and Diane Entwistle, relocated to Santa Cruz, California, and started fertility treatments. But Jackson and Diane have their own secret agenda, one that has nothing to do with diapers and lullabies. With her due date looming and the clues piling up, Shelby must save herself and her twins, and outwit those who wish her ill... She learns the real meaning of the word “family.” My ...

The other night my grandfather was taking a bath and I needed to go to the bathroom in a hurry. So, I called downstairs to my Mom to warn her I was coming- she has a tendency to be spooked easily at things that go bump in the night. After I took care of business she asked- "Could you get Sassy and put her in? I can't catch her."  Oh boy! So I went to chasing my cat- I'd go one way and she'd go the other and all the while I was praying to Jesus that a booger wouldn't jump out and get me. After I finally go her and put her in I went back upstairs hoping to go to bed but nope- the 2nd great flood had come and it was in our bathroom. "Lisa, get a flashlight", my grandfather exclaimed. We need to go and turn off the water, I can't get it turned off in the bathtub. But I want to go to bed! He then told me to go check the spigot and I did- and turned off the water. "How'd you do that?", he asked. "I turned it off." It takes ...

Down Aisle Ten by Daniel Friedland My rating: 5 of 5 stars When Harold Greensmeyer suddenly collapses in the grocery store no one knows what caused his ailment. Soon he is sent to a mental institution where he meets a cast of quirky characters. His psychiatrist tries various treatments but nothing works. Turns out Harold was overwhelmed by all  his fears and  is the first sufferer of Universal Simultaneous Anxiety Collapse Disorder- a great name by the way. Will Harold be cured and find true love?... When I started reading this book I thought- Hey! He wrote about me. Hand sanitizer and I are close friends. Friedland has managed to write a clever and darkly funny book on society's obsessive worryings. It is full of quirky characters and spot-on social observations. I high recommend it. Get it- View all my reviews

Dad Telling It Like It Is Dad on taking tests at the doctor's office- "When I go to the doctor's next if he wants me to piss in a cup I ain't gonna do it. Who wants to carry a cup full of their piss where everyone can see it? They need to have people put their piss cups in a paper bag or something." And those cards they have you shit on-they need to come up with something better than that, too. I don't like playing in my shit."

My mother tends to be fashionably late ALL the time. Yesterday we were expected at my brother's house. She wasn't ready and I was downstairs with her. Here is the conversation that occurred: "Lisa, will you put out the cats? I think one of them is about to have kittens." (Yes cats plural) So... I put them out and said, " We need to go, we're going to be late." "I'm almost ready!", she exclaimed. "Uh the cat is having is having the kittens now", I said. "Aw, put her in." "Aah aah, NO! She's got a kitten hanging halfway out her yahoo. I'm not picking her up. We need to leave." "Hush! Nothing's going right...cats having kittens, can't get the pies done..." "Well if you don't come on now I'm gonna have kittens."

Math City by Ahmad Amani My rating: 3 of 5 stars When the Lying Line enters Math City he encounters more than he bargained for. He comes does not receive a warm welcome from some of the citizens.When he encounters the Upper Lying Line and some of his friends trouble ensues. When I first downloaded the book I thought it was for children. I quickly discovered I was mistaken. It turned out to be a clever book about how differences in individuals can lead to conflict. Amani cleverly uses math to get his point across. I found it to be an interesting read. * I received my copy from the author in exchange for a honest review. Buy Math City here- View all my reviews

This is a conversation I recently occurred between me and several family members: Scenario: Me on computer, Scott on phone with Dad and talking to me at the same time and Grandfather sitting in his chair talking to me at the same time. Grandfather: Is it still raining in Atlanta? Me: Yes. Scott: Wait a minute, I'll ask her. To me- Your Dad wants to know if you've talked to your brother. Me- No. Grandfather- Are they playing ball? Me- No, still r aining. Scott- Your Dad wants to know where your Mom is. Me- Tell him she's downstairs. Grandfather- Is it raining where Wayne lives? Scott- Wait she's checking. Me- No. Scott- Your Dad wants to know what you're gonna do tomorrow... Wait you can talk to her. Grandfather- Is it raining in Middlesboro? Me- Yes the weather is the same as it is here. Scott- No it isn't. Me- Yes it usually is. Grandfather: Is it raining in Harlan? Me- Yes. Dad (to me)- What's your Mommy doing? Me- Probably taking...

Ooh scary "Lisa, I want you to take me to the store later on.", my grandfather said. "But I have things to do.", I said. "That's ok, I'll wait." "But I need to clean the house and do laundry." "I'll wait." "Scott can take you." "No, I'll just wait." "But I need to take a bath also." "That's ok." So I went ahead about my bidness and then took my bath. As I was drying off Scott came into the bathroom. Crap. I was hoping they had left while I was in the shower but curses! foiled again! No they were still there.So I went ahead and took my grandfather to the store. Now, I like helping family members but as I've mentioned to all three readers before we now live with my grandfather and mother. So sometimes I just need a little alone time. If I would try to go into our room someone would inevitably yell for me or need something or come in the room s...

 My Dad's medical coverage has recently changed. He needed me to look at it to translate because the government is SO clear in explaining things. Here's the conversation we had: "Lisa, here's these papers I need you to look at. You need a medical degree to figure them out." "These just tell you what's covered under your insurance and what isn't and this one tells you which doctors take your insurance," I said. "Well tell me what's covered or not." "Ok'. "Are dental visits covered?", he asked. "Let me see. No, I can't find any. Wait, it says that it covers for things like oral surgery and x-rays." "How about dentures?" "No." "Well I guess I'll just have to borrow some from the family." "It covers mental health services", I said grinning widely. "I don't need those." "Says you." "What else does it cov...

Kitty 2 Kitty 1 Mommy 2 Baby Daddy? Mommy 1 Scott: Which of these cats are those two kittens mother? Me: I think the fuzzy gray one is. Him: What's the other gray one? The wet nurse? Me: Yes Scott it's the kitties' wet nurse. A while later... Him: Now there's a yellow one with the kittens. How many cats are taking care of them? Me: Well...you know Scott-it takes a village.

A while back I had a terrible toothache, the first toothache I've had in a long time. After a few days I finnnallly came to the conclusion that I needed to see a dentist. So... I made some calls to try to find one I could afford. Hah! Dentist 1: Me: Do you take monthly payments? No. How much would it cost to pull a wisdom tooth? $150 or more depending on what we have to do. But the dentist might not be able to do it and would have to send you to an oral surgeon. Ok, thank you. Doctor's office: Me: Could you give me the number for the dentist's office. We don't have a dentist now. Thank you. (Great now there's no dentist who takes sliding fee in the area now. Nice.) Dentist 2: Do you all pull wisdom teeth? No, but we could do an x-ray and then send you to an oral surgeon. The x-ray you would need costs $85. Do you take monthly payments? No. Ok, thank you. Dentist 3: Me: Does the dentist pull wisdom teeth? It depends, he may have to send you...

As Mom and I were heading into our local Wal-mart a few days ago a lady riding a scooty chair came up to us. She asked Mom... "Do you want this?" Mom replied with, "No, that's ok." The nice lady then told her to take it, she looked like she needed it and that's what the chairs were for. Mom kept saying no. The lady then appealed to me. "Tell her to take it," she exclaimed. I told her she wouldn't ride one. "Go on take it." Mom then relented and said "OK." So she got on it, put on the gas or whatever you do to get the things going and went...backward. "Whoa!", she cried. She tried to go forward but yep went back again almost running into the one who tried to help her."WHOA WHOA!", she exclaimed again. So I did the helpful thing and stood there and giggled. Hmmm, maybe she shouldn't ride the scooty chairs. I can see the headline now: "GRANNY GOES ON JOYRIDE IN WAL-MART PARKING LOT. ASSISTIVE...

Kindle Edition 2008 by Bree Noa Publishing A true story of a psychic who had five husbands and chased killers. It explorers Suzanne's life from a harsh childhood into an adult who uses her gift to find killers. I usually don't read books like this but the author had led an interesting life. I thought her book was well written, intriguing, and inspiring. I recommend it.         Rating- 3 stars I was provided a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for a review.